A struggling self – Sharing and Reflecting on a “lost” journey

By Apang

I have been absent from HU for a while, not to my own liking though. It is a constant struggle to pinpoint what to write, to share, to provoke or just to give meaning to my thought. Unlike SKY, Pak Bui and Bunga Pakma, who all write fluently and comparatively easily, l struggle to put my thoughts, my concerns, my state of confusion into words, and to express them in a language in which my ability is neither here nor there.

There has been some discussion in HU about this blog being pro-PKR etc. That kind of limiting thought is reflective of Malaysia, truly Malaysia (not Asia) indeed. Writing about Malaysian party politics is also so dry, so backward and so typical of Malaysia and the Malaysian media. Except for the intelligence found in a few online news portal and blogs, Malaysian writings on politics are just so dry, devoid of substance.

But as SKY says repeatedly, party politics are but a necessary evil. In our supposed democracy, the might of governments are unleashed after each election. The BN continues to use elections and election results as legitimacy to do, and not do, what thinking Malaysians already know too well. The BN does not know that one doesn’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that even Hitler also had held elections to legitimise his rule of terror, not just against Germans, but against the whole world.

So, politics are so critical for people, the country and our environment. Yet Malaysian politics are so pathetic, for a lack of a more appropriate word. So is that why among Malaysians, the shallow thinking can only be as SKY puts it, “you are either with us or against us?” Have Malaysians in general lost the ability to be more critical, to improve ourselves beyond the narrow mindset that has been the rule, thus far in the history of the nation?

Yes, l have made a very conscious decision to stay away from party politics. But there is no denying that l am all for a two-party system in Malaysia. Beyond that, I do not yet see the PR as the “other” in the two-party system. In their current form, the PR has a long way to go.

But unlike when the BN was created, the PR is still struggling to gel and find their feet now in Malaysia. The power of the Internet has been here, now too. So, while there was little, if any, opportunity for the non-partisan public, unaffiliated to any political party, to be the “Third” voice in the formative years of the BN, l will be damned if l were to let such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip by. I will continue to contribute to the “Third” conscious voice in the formation of the PR in Malaysia.

The advantage of being a non-partisan member is that blind loyalty to the party is not needed. My struggle is greater than what the party’s agenda. My loyalty is to the time-tested principles and ideologies l hold dearly. And I accept the many advantages, knowing very well that on the other side, l stand face-to-face with the disadvantages that come with the territory. I choose, knowing where l stand. I am here, now, taking the opportunity to contribute to the formative stage of the “other”, in the two-party system being shaped in Malaysia.

Thus, it is with great optimism that I am witnessing the various hiccups that are appearing within the PR thus far. It has not been easy for the masses in West Malaysia thus far, to rise above the BN’s divide-and-rule dirt and give birth to a two-party system that started long before the March 2008 “Malaysian uprising”.

While much more organising and reorganising will be needed within the PR, some achievements will be realised within the party-system while other problems will  continue to be raised by the Third Voice from civil society. SKY has already given an introduction to this, in his last piece on “Blogging: the new force in our civil society”, here in HU.

History reminds us that justice, freedom and equality – the three pillars of human existence that people will continue to die for – were never given. They were obtained through far worse conditions and against worse odds than in Malaysia at present. They were fought for by countless nameless ordinary people, not heroes. People saw it as mere duty to rise up against injustice, inequality and restrictions. History will continue to be moulded, shaped and twisted by the elites, but over time, the truth shall be revealed.

Malaysians have probably been conditioned for too long to be pessimistic and apologetic. Being scared and selfish people will continue to pursue wealth, glory, fame and comfort; to just continue waiting, for heroes and for others to sacrifice for the common good. Many among us are unable to break free from the cages that have imprisoned us for so long.

How else to try to explain the common praise of “good work, keep it up” and the like, seen also in HU? RPK has shown on enough occasions his frustration on having to “approve” comments from mostly self-imprisoned viewers in his blog. Basically he has had enough, on more than one occasion, of self-imprisoned Malaysians.

While the broad history will not judge the countless individuals, your own future generations and friends, may not be so kind indeed. So ask yourself, what did you do when Malaysia’s socio-political transformation was being shaped and moulded?

As for me, l remain with the struggling rural communities of Sarawak, who do not have even basic facilities and amenities. Theirs is a daily struggle for the future, not just their own, but also for the common future of theirs and other communities. It is a struggle against the might of corrupt politicians, using the might of governments, in bed with corporations to plunder the natural wealth of the people. They deny the basic rights of the indigenous communities of Sarawak – the rights to self determination.

After knowing what you know, of the injustices, inequalities, of the blatant disrespect for the original inhabitants of the lands l stand on, is it an option to do nothing? Is my conscience clear to just feel sad, let out shouts of “unfair!” and other similar rhetoric? When can my conscience ever be clear in the face of such stark contradictions among our living neighbours?

I have been lost in such thoughts, even after being involved directly with the struggles of rural people in over two decades of their public struggle. SKY’s question of “What is the meaning of your life?” in HU is being asked on a daily basis. While there is no answer as yet to what it is to me, l do know what it is not to me. But that is cold comfort really as when l come to think of it, it is such a luxury to be able to ponder on my own uncertainty, while I know that countless nameless people struggle at more basic levels on daily basis.

So, can someone out there help me on this journey, please?

“Hornbill Unleashed invites readers to email us at hueditor@gmail.com with leads or other specific information on issues or individuals involved in or related to the article above.”