Mariam Mokhtar, Malaysia Chronicle
A VALENTINE’S DAY FICTION Taib is facing the worst crisis of his life. It has nothing to do with his disagreement with the prime minister. It is not connected with the demands of his party-members who want his wholehearted attention towards the upcoming State elections.
At first, many people thought he was still angry with his deputy, George. George was careless and allowed the media to find out that he had quietly married a younger woman. Taib was cross because he did not want people to think that he was imitating George.
Nevertheless, Taib’s dilemma is nearer to home.
He has been given an ultimatum by his new wife. Today, is Valentine’s day and he just feels too old for all that lovey-dovey stuff. After all, what do you give a girl who has everything. All of his state and parts of the world and the French Riviera are already hers.
Taib did not forget the card, just in case people thought his declining years affected his memory. He does not have Alzheimer’s – at least not yet.
He had the gilt-edged card ready – specially made in a neighbouring country. It was more than just gilt-edged. There was so much gold in the card, more than in a wedding band and where most people have glitter glue, Taib’s glitter was made with real diamonds. The whole card had to be flown by special jet, accompanied by a handful of armed security guards.
Taib is a good husband and he did not forget the roses, either. People wrongly assume that the commercialisation from Valentine’s day is what makes the roses so expensive. That is not true.
Muslims are not allowed to celebrate Valentine’s day and as they make up 60% of the population, there should have been enough roses spare for the non-Muslims.
The real reason roses are expensive is because the whole stock of roses has been bought up by Taib for his young wife. Several days before Valentine’s day, many Malaysians and Singaporeans were suffering from Taib’s buying power. That is why many couples had to make do with cheap imitation roses.
In fact, sources close to the Taib household, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the Taib mansion resembled a wholesale rose market in Holland.
The poor maids and housekeepers are exhausted, rushing around spraying the blooms to keep them fresh and fragrant.
Wasn’t the new Mrs Taib ecstatic? No. She was most definitely not!
So Taib arranged for his private jet to fly her out, armed with several blank cheques, credit cards and wads of cash, for a shopping spree in Singapore. But she would have none of that.
He suggested HongKong. She said “No”.
He thought she was homesick and preferred Dubai for shopping. Again, she said, “No”.
It turned out that she had allegedly given poor old Taib a whole week’s supply of Viagra and was hoping to use it after she had cooked him a nice candle-lit middle eastern meal.
Unfortunately Taib has had his fill of fattoush, tabouli and kibbeh. And he had other plans.
After the morning’s session discussing strategy for the State elections, Taib wanted to put his feet up, watch a rerun of Wayne Rooney on the previous day’s Manchester United match on television and eat his favourite laksa.Unfortunately, the belacan base in the laksa is too nauseating for his wife.
Obviously the motivational speaker Siti Nor did not do a good job telling Muslims that Valentine’s day was taboo. Otherwise, Taib would not have this problem.
Right now, his immediate task is to persuade her to come out of her room. She has barricaded herself in there, is packing her bags and has planned to fly back to her mother.
Taib has never had a worse dilemma than this and both state and general elections are not as daunting. Even a face-off with a former prime minister – a real dragon dictator – was never like this.